Groucho Said...

Groucho Marx	Julius Henry Marx	New York City, New York, USA
Oct 02 1890 - Aug 19 1977 age 86	Official Website	Wikipedia

With GORGEOUS Marilyn Monroe

• I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
• Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
• I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
• Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around 20. Minnie insisted we were 13. "That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar", the conductor told her. "And another one is in the washroom shaving". Minnie shook her head sadly. "They grow so fast . . . "
• You're only as young as the woman you feel.
• If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
• I drink to make other people interesting.
• Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. 
• From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
• A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
• People are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
• (after viewing Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature) Well, there`s just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man`s tits are bigger than the leading lady's.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• (on Bob Hope) Hope? Hope is not a comedian. He just translates what others write for him.
• Jerry Lewis hasn't made me laugh since he left Dean Martin.
• (On Charles Chaplin): The greatest compliment I ever got was from Chaplin. He came up to me and said "I wish I could talk like you on the screen." I said "I think you're doing alright." He had made $50 million by that point. He was the best comedian we ever had.
• A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
• From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
• Go, and never darken my towels again.
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I`ll be glad to make an exception.
• Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
• Women should be obscene and not heard.
• I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
• (on Margaret Dumont) She was a wonderful woman. She was the same off the stage as she was on it -- always the stuffy, dignified matron. And the funny thing about her was she never understood the jokes. At the end of Duck Soup (1933) Margaret says to me, "What are you doing. Rufus?". And I say, "I am fighting for your honor, which is more than you ever did." Later she asked me what I meant by that. 
• Humor is reason gone mad.

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