Chick-Fil-A

The family that owns the Chick-fil-A franchise is under fire lately for donating food to an anti-gay marriage group. The chain is owned by a family with strong Christian values that carry over into their business model;  Chick-fil-A stores are not, for example, open on Sundays.

The current owners, the Truet Cathy family, signed a "covenant" with their dad when they took over the company, in which they pledged to preserve its "christian DNA."

How Nice.

Some local franchises are responding in a similar way, showing solidarity with the Cathy family.

A local Italian restaurant chain has their cook, who the staff calls "Momma Leone", come from the kitchen complaining that she "wants grandchildren." Bewildered older customers flinch,  while the youngest customers fist-bump their approval for the implicit approval to "have lots of sex." Momma comes back at the end of the meal bitching at anyone who didn't clean his plate, followed by a smack to the back of the head.

Our Jewish luncheonettes, with a somewhat different approach, routinely take the names of those waiting for a seat and inquire if anyone in the family is a single doctor, or lawyer, etc. Those unfortunates without a professional family member are seated near the kitchen and their brisket is served "tough and cold."

Our local Asian culinary groups are the most aggressive. If an Asian girl comes in with a non-Asian boy he gets a chopstick-poke to both eyes. But if their first child is a boy only one eye gets stabbed, followed by a quick bow.

We also have good Indian cuisine in our town. If an Indian couple comes in alone, the hostess does a quick search on the internet (http://www.no-indy-alone.com/) and locates the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles (usually at the same residence) who are called and are required to come in and dine with the couple. Later in 2011 all Indian restaurants, and possibly malls, will have webcams streaming video available at the website so that families can see watch those locations to make sure no one travels alone. Earlier efforts to use GPS tracking failed when savvy family members would forgo the use of their cell phones, leaving them buried in their family's sofa cushions.

Jiffy Lube has paired with the Trojan Company; they will not perform a lube job unless the customer has a condom.  They are quietly criticized by the Chik-fil-A family for not abstaining altogether.

And finally, our local clothing stores will not sell to anyone who is "unappealingly fat", according to the parameters outlined on signs on their front doors. To drive their point home, entrance and exit doors have been narrowed to 34 inches wide. White shoes, white belts and all madras pants were banned in 2009. 

OK folks - the point is, just like the separation of church and state, let's keep our personal values personal and serve your goods in a non-denomination setting.

Cause I, the customer, sez so!