"Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he'd just pull out a quarter?"
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"My theory of evolution, is that Darwin was adopted."
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
"I went to a store that had a sign that said 'Open 24 Hours' and it was closed. I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
"So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags, I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically"
"So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
"You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
"I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
"I'd like to do my imitation of bowling. (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that. I didn't know how to word it.
"This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
Review by David Jeffries
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
"My theory of evolution, is that Darwin was adopted."
"24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
"I went to a store that had a sign that said 'Open 24 Hours' and it was closed. I asked the manager 'Why are you closing? It says you're open 24 hours.' He said 'Not in a row.'"
"So I'm driving along, being real careful 'cos its an old car and I installed my own airbags, I got an old bean bag chair, some laughing gas and a compressor, so if I hit the accident just right I'll be floating up in the air laughing hysterically"
"So I said to the hitchhiker 'what do you do?' He said 'I'm a student'. I said 'a student of what?' He said he was studying journalism and photography, so I said 'that's funny, I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.'"
"You know when someone reads a letter in the movies and you always hear what's written in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Yeah, that kills me. In fact I get the same thing with menus."
"I was driving along when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
"I'd like to do my imitation of bowling. (Drags the microphone across the stage floor, then whips it upwards.) Gutter. It took me a year and a half to write that. I didn't know how to word it.
"This next song doesn't go 'something' like this; it goes 'exactly' like this."
0 comments on "Steven Wright, Part II"
Post a Comment